So today marks exactly one month from my confirmation day, lets celebrate; NOT! I am bitter, I am broken, I am sad and depressed, I have never felt in my life that death would be a relief, and I want you all to be very aware, that it is not and never will be an option in my life, but boy I can imagine it would be such a relief! I just want my life back, it sucked sometimes, sometimes we fought, and went days scowling at each other, but these days it’s so much worse, it’s everyone walking on eggshells, forced and strained “love” and attention. I wonder if the attention is forced, if its a guilt thing, or if he genuinely wants to get “back to good”. I live life wondering, having flashbacks of moments that I didn’t even really live, wondering how someone could look me in the eye, tell me he loves me, he wants to make “us” work, he is “all in” and yet the whole time was F$#*ing some other woman, who was engaged herself and has a basketball team worth of kids! Was it just sex? Was it “safe” b/c she was attached?
One month ago today I got a message from her Social Media site, she was hacked by her BF, he told me that all my worst nightmares were in fact true, that they had been cheating, lying, sneaking and throwing away our lives to fulfill there own sick and selfish needs. I was at work, I went completely numb, I was in my bosses office, crouched behind his chair sobbing like a baby, i wanted to just die. Why would anyone do this to another person that they claimed to love? I admit I am not perfect, but I am unfortunately naive and genuinely never thought things would ever go this wrong, and I certainly never thought that if this ever happened to me, that I would stick around and fight for the one who destroyed me and my trust.
To make matters that much worse, in her attempt to retaliate on me, the next day she decided to try and get my family member fired from her job regarding an unrelated issue, but just b/c she needed to put her own guilt and anger to some use, she became crazed. Ironic that she was the wrong doer, I didn’t do anything to her, and my family member certainly didn’t, but she felt compelled to hurt ME more than I was already hurt. Fortunately in my talking with a friend at my family members work, and pleading with the girls BF to stop her, my family member kept their job, after a day of fear and anxiety, but nothing else has come of it. In that attempt, my husbands infidelity became pretty public, my sibling, and close family found out, it is probably worse that they know, I am embarrassed, and I don’t want to be around people I normally love being around. I find it funny that she even had the audacity to try and break me or my family any more than she already had, WTF did I do to her? I haven’t told any of my friends, even my best friend doesn’t know, crazy how this had made me a complete hermit.
I still haven’t asked very many questions, I am still unsure that I can mentally handle any of the details. I have read in the past that once you ask the question, and you are told the answer, you can never un-know the answer, I don’t know what I am capable of living with, what I am capable of not reliving, and what visions I am able to tolerate. I did find out they were not “safe”, which bought me a one way ticket to my GYN, wondering the whole time if these dirty nasty people gave me some horrible disease, I did find out that she is not able to have any more children (I guess going for a baseball team just wasn’t her thing; believe me, she was close), for some reason the fact that he knew that broke my heart more. Knowing that they had that intimate talk/conversation, it made it more than just a casual F*&$, it was something they thought about, worried about and talked about, and that made it more hurtful. Crazy right? I mean whats more hurtful than the act? Well I am sadly finding out that everything hurts and everything makes it worse. Sex with a stranger would have been less offensive, and I truly think it would have been easier to digest.
GYN came back clean; Thank GOD, although a part of me wishes she gave him a dick disease, and it fell off, but considering he was thoughtful enough to come home and have sex with me after having sex with her, I guess that would just have ended with me contracting something too.
How has this become my life? I have turned into a bitter, scared, hermit of a woman. I avoid friends and family, my poor mother who I spend a lot of time with, I have been blowing off, b/c I just cant deal with any of this. I cry a lot, I wonder a lot, I fear a lot. Some days I believe we would be better off apart, and then oddly when I with him, I feel most at peace. I wonder if its because I can see him and know that at that moment he cant be doing anything wrong. Maybe its because I really truly love him, and feel like being with him is just the right thing, and the thing I most want in this world.
My kids have suffered, I am physically there, but I am a shell of the human being I was, I sleep a lot, or try and go to the gym and put my sadness and energy into that, I hole myself up in my room, and avoid everyone, its not fair, and it’s something I am trying to be mindful of, and I want nothing more in this life, than to be present in the life of my children, they are literally my everything. They are older, aware of what is going on, we haven’t talked to them about it b/c I still don’t know what to say to them, I am a coward, and I sadly am thinking of that jerk, and afraid that if his children know too much, they will hate him, and I want them to have a good relationship with their father. I guess I also don’t want them to lose respect for me, I don’t want them to think I am weak, or pathetic; it’s one thing for me to think that, but not for them. sighhhhhhhh
Well happy One Month FML-iversary to me!! I guess its not one of those days that you go on FB and get all the kind words like you do on your B-Day! I guess I won’t be celebrating this anniversary, although I will say, I have survived the past month, some days I feel like I barely survived, but I survived none the less! Each day I hope to grow, to learn, I hope the pain lessens, although I believe that until I am able to face this truly head on, I will not truly heal or feel less pain. I will get better, I will survive, I do not want to be a victim, I do not want to allow my self pity to consume me for much longer. I will figure this out!
Till next time…….. I will remain a BeautifullyBrokenDisaster