What is wrong with me?

Published July 15, 2014 by beautifullybrokendisiaster

Well first off I am stupid enough to be asking that question! I mean I know that the professionals would tell me it has nothing to do with me, although HE likes to tell me its basically all my fault; “I own it, I did it; but it’s because you (fill in the blank of whatever he doesn’t like about me)”; way to f’n own it!  I feel fat, ugly, I feel like I’m bad in bed, I can’t fulfill his dreams and fantasy’s, and then to find out she’s fatter, uglier, and has a nasty reputation; well that should make me feel better? It doesn’t!

I am smart (normally), I am a hard worker, great Mom (debatable I suppose), I’m not awful looking, so what is wrong with me? I stay…….

Sometimes I think that is what is wrong with me! I mean how many things can be done to a person before they finally smarten up? Before they finally think about themselves, and their own sanity, and stop thinking “oh he just messed up, he really loves me, he didn’t mean to hurt me, he didn’t mean for this to happen”  Never in my life did I ever think I would end up being “that girl” the girl every shitty guy has that has an inkling of the dirt bag their other half is, but ignores the signs, ignores the whispers, even ignores the blatant truth being given to them by the “lovers husband” or the best friend of your “other”, I am better than that! I am stronger than that….I thought……………………………………..

I guess there are so many factors that I am not dealing well with, I should seriously seek help, but I am sadly still not ready.  I think it’s a part of denial, I mean I know it really happened, I was told by him for Christs sake, but I can’t deal with it, so I push it aside, and then it comes back and smashes me in the face when I least expect it, emotions so strong they could knock over a 100 story building.  I ponder things like “Would it have been better if it was a one night stand?”, if it were “some random girl”, if he didn’t lie through his teeth!  I wonder if he wasn’t caught if he would still be with her behind my back, he swears he left her a few nights prior, but that is awfully convenient.  What was his intention with her? a fling? I mean they said “I Love You” to each other, was that to make them f$%#*g in the back seat of his truck more “meaningful” and less sleazy?  I hate riding in his car, it make me cringe, it makes me want to cry, and scream, and rip the upholstery  apart, but I don’t.

Ironically his coping mechanism when I get upset, is to be mean and cruel and narcissistic, so why the hell am I still here? again, What is wrong with me!?!  Telling me I am no good, I am awful, He’s going to call her or text her, I mean seriously? I write this and wonder what went wrong in my brain! After he has calmed down he apologizes and “takes it back” how on earth do you take it back? You don’t!  As if I haven’t been hurt enough, now I am dealing with his crazy psychological issues that he “doesn’t have”.  So on top of being cheated on, now I am dealing with the psychological abuse, I enable him, and allow him to do this to me!

I have never had so many crazy emotions all at the same time, and have never been so confused and sad about anything in my life. I was journaling, but that has gone along the wayside the past few weeks, I probably would be better off starting that again, to at least get some thoughts off my shoulders.  I still haven’t told my best friend, in fact I have become such a hermit, I don’t do anything but work and go to the gym, or to some family thing here or there. I am embarrassed by my life, I am sad ans horrified that I have allowed this to happen to me, and that I don’t seem to have the tools to stop it.

I want him to be better, I want him to want only me, so what, I have to change, be everything he tells me I wasn’t being, and he doesn’t have to do a damn thing?  He gets to have all my attention, have me become a vixen in bed; isn’t that what will keep him interested in me? (sarcasm; sorta), I have to get skinny, and toned, I have to, I have to, I have to!  I have to learn to stop doing these things, to learn to not feel like it is my fault, stop feeling like I should have to stand on my damn head in order to keep him interested and to keep him “loving” me.  I know better than this, I was taught better than this!  What is wrong with me??!!!

Till next time, I will remain a  BeautifullyBrokenDisaster

One comment on “What is wrong with me?

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