It’s been nearly 3 months, I have had some serious ups and downs, I have had downs so bad that I seriously believe that had he killed me instead, or died himself, it would have been less painful. It is hardest dealing with his guilt, because in some ways I sympathize because he is someone I love, but at the same time, I want it to eat him alive. I still have serious issues with flashbacks of events I wasn’t even present at. It’s funny how our minds work, and how many times they just work against us.
I am having trouble dealing with “HER”, lets be serious, I don’t have to physically deal with “HER” at all, I have not spoken to her, and I have repressed the desire to call her or find her. I still have moments when I creep her on social media, and all that does is drive me crazy, or piss me off, its a double negative, yet I can’t seem to stop doing it. I have actually gotten more angry and resentful toward her as I have been healing. I am not stupid, I know she isn’t the only one to blame, and I also know that it does me no good, but I can’t help it. Some nights I stay up all night, unable to sleep just thinking of her, and seeing her face, and I get so violently angry and sad. I have had thoughts of revenge, but what good would that do any of us? I am an adult with beautiful, smart children, and I wouldn’t want to lose their respect b/c I chose to act like a complete ass.
I also fear running into her, in fact that has been haunting me constantly. I think I see her everywhere, it’s like a cruel joke; at the gym; at the mall; at the grocery store; and it’s never really her. I think sometimes that I am going completely mad! What would I do? How would I react? I want so badly to be able to react as a child and bash her ugly face in, but again, as a woman without an arrest record, why start now? Part of me fears that I would cower away, avert eye contact and run the other way, and I hate the thought of that. WHY? I mean I realize that is the adult thing to do, what good is confronting her? What good is smashing her face, or ruining her reputation (believe me she does a good enough job of that on her own). I am not an emotional person at my baseline, and lately all I a is a bag of nerves, and a sap! I guess there are worse things to be.
How do I truly know she isn’t contacting him, or vice versa? That is something I will always have to deal with. It’s a part of the social media creeping, I have turned into that girl that believes her posts and meme’s must be about me or my husband; reality I am not that important in her life, but I can’t help but have those childish thoughts.
Some day things will be better right? I mean I can’t possibly be feeling all of this, and trying so hard, and putting all this effort in, just for things to not be better, for me to never feel normal again. sighhhhhhhhh
On a happy note, I am trying to be healthier, i am trying to focus on positive, happy thoughts, I am trying to start fresh, be a better person, a better Mom, and WIfe. He tries like hell, and I appreciate that, and I hope to God this all pans out in our favor, because to endure all of this pain and suffering, only to have the same outcome as what could have been three months ago would just kill me. Part of me wishes that I was a heartless bitch, or a strong woman, who could turn around and never look back, who could turn off my feelings and move on; but thats just not in my DNA.
I am trying like hell to get better, to feel better, and to move on, but until next time, I will remain a BeautifullyBrokenDisaster.