I keep thinking about how awful this year has been, how much pain I have felt, how much sadness, depression, fear, and anxiety i have endured this year. I have a difficult time still, 7 months later, I still go out places and wonder fearfully if I will see her, what I will do if I see her, I think regularly about what happened, how it happened, how I was lied to, how I had to find out, how two people can knowingly destroy another person for no good reason. I have lost 30lbs, people are constantly telling me I look great, but the reality is, it is all stress, and sadness that has caused this “great new look”, I fit into jeans that I never expected to fit into, most of MY clothes are too big, and once upon a time I would have been thrilled, that at 35 I weigh less than I did at 19, but I am not, I am concerned, concerned that it is not healthy, that I will just gain it all back, and more. I am still angry, and have recently started having panic attacks again. I am currently working a job I hate, fighting everyday to get my ass in gear and be a productive active participant in my life, and ,my children’s. I want to feel better, I want my mind to stop racing with thoughts of her and him, I want to be happy, healed, better,or at the very least content.
2014 has hands down been the worst, more trying year of my life, taking a carefree, positive, upbeat person down a road, I never thought I would ever go down, but I am a day away from a new year, a new beginning, new possibilities, and chances to again start to live happily and positively. I realize my mind is my own worse enemy, and although I have not mastered the art of turning off my mind, i vow to start being positive again, to try hard to be happy, and see the good that is in my life. This year could be a complete wash, but instead I am thinking of what I have learned, what I have done, seen, and experienced and who I have loved, and who has shown me love right back. I have gone to new places, I have traveled with my husband and children, made some great memories, I have met new people and re met old friends who have helped to be a cheerleader in my life. I have had additions to my family, who have brought me joy, I have survived two cancer scares, one of my own and one of a loved one, and I have been fortunate enough for the end results to be that we are healthy and quite frankly very fortunate! My children have made great leaps in their academics and their sports, and I could not be prouder of them. My husband has tried, I mean really really tried to make me better, to assure me things will get better, and to take action and show me that he really truly wants things to “get back to good”.
I am not where I want to be, but who is at 35? or 55 for that matter? I am glad I am not where I want to be, because it gives me something to work on, to strive and work for. I am exactly where God thinks I should be, and for that I am thankful. I have the opportunity to make 2015 and the rest of my life, exactly what I want it to be, and while I realize there will be road blocks, things in my way, this year has taught me that I am a survivor, that i am strong enough, tough enough, smart enough, and determined enough to keep on going, and getting better! Because I am ENOUGH! This New Year I resolve to be the best ME, I can be, and that is the best I can do!
Happy New Year to you and yours, and I hope you can all look at the good and positive that has happened in the last year, despite how many bad, sad things have happened, so much good has happened, and so many beautiful things have occurred, and if we can remember that, we can realize it wasnt all for not. Everyone has a happy moment, and if we can hold onto that, we can go into 2015 with our heads held high, and maybe even our fists up ready to fight for the happiness we know we deserve! I am ready to make 2015 my BITCH! It will be a hard year, but I will remain positive, and it will be a great year!
Until next time I will remain a BeatifullyBrokenDisaster, but I will put my emphasis on the beautiful part! xoxo Happy New Year