Happy New Years, year in review

Published December 31, 2014 by beautifullybrokendisiaster

I keep thinking about how awful this year has been, how much pain I have felt, how much sadness, depression, fear, and anxiety i have endured this year. I have a difficult time still, 7 months later, I still go out places and wonder fearfully if I will see her, what I will do if I see her, I think regularly about what happened, how it happened, how I was lied to, how I had to find out, how two people can knowingly destroy another person for no good reason. I have lost 30lbs, people are constantly telling me I look great, but the reality is, it is all stress, and sadness that has caused this “great new look”, I fit into jeans that I never expected to fit into, most of MY clothes are too big, and once upon a time I would have been thrilled, that at 35 I weigh less than I did at 19, but I am not, I am concerned, concerned that it is not healthy, that I will just gain it all back, and more. I am still angry, and have recently started having panic attacks again. I am currently working a job I hate, fighting everyday to get my ass in gear and be a productive active participant in my life, and ,my children’s. I want to feel better, I want my mind to stop racing with thoughts of her and him, I want to be happy, healed, better,or at the very least content.

2014 has hands down been the worst, more trying year of my life, taking a carefree, positive, upbeat person down a road, I never thought I would ever go down, but I am a day away from a new year, a new beginning, new possibilities, and chances to again start to live happily and positively. I realize my mind is my own worse enemy, and although I have not mastered the art of turning off my mind, i vow to start being positive again, to try hard to be happy, and see the good that is in my life. This year could be a complete wash, but instead I am thinking of what I have learned, what I have done, seen, and experienced and who I have loved, and who has shown me love right back. I have gone to new places, I have traveled with my husband and children, made some great memories, I have met new people and re met old friends who have helped to be a cheerleader in my life. I have had additions to my family, who have brought me joy, I have survived two cancer scares, one of my own and one of a loved one, and I have been fortunate enough for the end results to be that we are healthy and quite frankly very fortunate! My children have made great leaps in their academics and their sports, and I could not be prouder of them. My husband has tried, I mean really really tried to make me better, to assure me things will get better, and to take action and show me that he really truly wants things to “get back to good”.

I am not where I want to be, but who is at 35? or 55 for that matter? I am glad I am not where I want to be, because it gives me something to work on, to strive and work for. I am exactly where God thinks I should be, and for that I am thankful. I have the opportunity to make 2015 and the rest of my life, exactly what I want it to be, and while I realize there will be road blocks, things in my way, this year has taught me that I am a survivor, that i am strong enough, tough enough, smart enough, and determined enough to keep on going, and getting better! Because I am ENOUGH! This New Year I resolve to be the best ME, I can be, and that is the best I can do!

Happy New Year to you and yours, and I hope you can all look at the good and positive that has happened in the last year, despite how many bad, sad things have happened, so much good has happened, and so many beautiful things have occurred, and if we can remember that, we can realize it wasnt all for not. Everyone has a happy moment, and if we can hold onto that, we can go into 2015 with our heads held high, and maybe even our fists up ready to fight for the happiness we know we deserve! I am ready to make 2015 my BITCH! It will be a hard year, but I will remain positive, and it will be a great year!

Until next time I will remain a BeatifullyBrokenDisaster, but I will put my emphasis on the beautiful part! xoxo Happy New Year

Haunted by “HER”

Published August 20, 2014 by beautifullybrokendisiaster

It’s been nearly 3 months, I have had some serious ups and downs, I have had downs so bad that I seriously believe that had he killed me instead, or died himself, it would have been less painful. It is hardest dealing with his guilt, because in some ways I sympathize because he is someone I love, but at the same time, I want it to eat him alive. I still have serious issues with flashbacks of events I wasn’t even present at. It’s funny how our minds work, and how many times they just work against us.

I am having trouble dealing with “HER”, lets be serious, I don’t have to physically deal with “HER” at all, I have not spoken to her, and I have repressed the desire to call her or find her. I still have moments when I creep her on social media, and all that does is drive me crazy, or piss me off, its a double negative, yet I can’t seem to stop doing it. I have actually gotten more angry and resentful toward her as I have been healing. I am not stupid, I know she isn’t the only one to blame, and I also know that it does me no good, but I can’t help it. Some nights I stay up all night, unable to sleep just thinking of her, and seeing her face, and I get so violently angry and sad. I have had thoughts of revenge, but what good would that do any of us? I am an adult with beautiful, smart children, and I wouldn’t want to lose their respect b/c I chose to act like a complete ass.

I also fear running into her, in fact that has been haunting me constantly. I think I see her everywhere, it’s like a cruel joke; at the gym; at the mall; at the grocery store; and it’s never really her. I think sometimes that I am going completely mad! What would I do? How would I react? I want so badly to be able to react as a child and bash her ugly face in, but again, as a woman without an arrest record, why start now? Part of me fears that I would cower away, avert eye contact and run the other way, and I hate the thought of that. WHY? I mean I realize that is the adult thing to do, what good is confronting her? What good is smashing her face, or ruining her reputation (believe me she does a good enough job of that on her own). I am not an emotional person at my baseline, and lately all I a is a bag of nerves, and a sap! I guess there are worse things to be.

How do I truly know she isn’t contacting him, or vice versa? That is something I will always have to deal with. It’s a part of the social media creeping, I have turned into that girl that believes her posts and meme’s must be about me or my husband; reality I am not that important in her life, but I can’t help but have those childish thoughts.
Some day things will be better right? I mean I can’t possibly be feeling all of this, and trying so hard, and putting all this effort in, just for things to not be better, for me to never feel normal again. sighhhhhhhhh

On a happy note, I am trying to be healthier, i am trying to focus on positive, happy thoughts, I am trying to start fresh, be a better person, a better Mom, and WIfe. He tries like hell, and I appreciate that, and I hope to God this all pans out in our favor, because to endure all of this pain and suffering, only to have the same outcome as what could have been three months ago would just kill me. Part of me wishes that I was a heartless bitch, or a strong woman, who could turn around and never look back, who could turn off my feelings and move on; but thats just not in my DNA.

I am trying like hell to get better, to feel better, and to move on, but until next time, I will remain a BeautifullyBrokenDisaster.

Its suppose to be getting better; isn’t it?

Published July 30, 2014 by beautifullybrokendisiaster

So for the past few days, I feel like I am reverting back to my original stress, and anxiety. In the beginning I was pretty bad off, ironically that’s before I even got confirmation of the affair.  I had suspicions, I found conversations that were innocent enough, yet enough to make me anxious and feel as if my husband had overstepped the boundaries. He swore nothing happened, and I believed that nothing happened, but I still felt like he completely disrespected our marriage, and I was ready for him to have to have some time away, I was done worrying and feeling like he was seeking other woman.  He moved out of the house on and off for about 7 weeks.  In the time he was out of the house, he spent most days after work at our house, attended family events together, celebrated my birthday with me and friends, stayed the night on several occasions. Telling me often that he wanted to work things out, that he loved me, that he was not talking to HER, or anyone else.   I see now that he was 1. seeking another relationship 2. told himself that we were really over and that he didn’t want to be in this marriage; yet didn’t have the balls to cut me free and actually be done with the relationship. But I digress………

At the time I was naive enough to believe he was just having a rough time, that WE were going through a rough patch, he had several personal tragedies, and I thought they were just making him re evaluate his life and where we were.  During those weeks, I quit a job I had for over 6 years b/c he constantly was telling me that the job had to do with our moving apart, that I allowed the job to become too much of my life, and while it was very much true, I just thought I was doing my best, to make a good paycheck and contribute.  I took another position in hopes that it would prove that I was willing to do almost anything to save my marriage, it presented itself at what I thought was just the right time. I gave my two week notice and was immediately let go, I had two weeks off to myself, in which I literally stayed in bed, couldn’t move, couldn’t eat, could barely breathe.  I was experiencing anxiety and panic attacks like I have only read about, I couldn’t function, I was so down and out, so depressed, so sad and so lonely, and afraid.  I was barely functioning enough to care for my kids, who fortunately are old enough to want to be left alone. There were many ups and downs during that time, I cried a lot, my heart raced out of my chest a lot, and my head pounded a lot.  He would come to the house, give me a little assurance that he loved me, wanted me better, wanted to be a family again, blah blah blah. I would hyperventilate during the panic attacks, I was a complete mess! One night, he came home; and stayed home. It was like a weight was lifted, the doom veil lifted off of my chest, off of my heart and my head, things were back to normal, I was able to eat and breathe again. I am not normally that pathetic of a human being, I am not normally someone (or so I thought) that was so reliant on someone else.  I can’t remember the last time I was so happy with him, I finally appreciated him, understood that I too played my part in this marriage failure, I took responsibility, I tried to make changes, pay attention where I didn’t before, text throughout the day, call, little gestures so he realizes that I really loved him, that I knew I took part in us falling apart.  he seemed to be doing the same, he was home more often, he was attentive to me, and even the kids. I made sure to lay off when he was going out, I didn’t give him trouble when he was out a couple nights a week, b/c thats what the old me would do, and I didn’t want to be that nag.(dumb ass that I am!!)

I was feeling so much better, I was living again, I can’t begin o explain to you the blackness that was upon me in those weeks, and it was lifted, and life was going to work out for once.  Once in a while I would get these feelings, these urges to follow him where he said he would be, but i didn’t b/c he didn’t deserve that, I was just being a little crazy. Then there was a gift box found, and it was not a gift he had given to me, and then I got a bit suspicious again, always with my guard up, but not so much that I would make him think I was crazy and want to run away again ( I mean I was literally unbalanced just a month before, I was afraid these feelings were stemming off of that.) Anyway then I got the fateful message from HER fiance, oddly I was not thrown back into the abyss, oddly I felt ok, felt in control, I was not going back into the despair that I had just scratched my way out of.

Anyway all of that back story to get to this…….. I am starting to have massive anxiety again, feelings that he is up to no good, panic attacks have started again, my mind goes off and wonders into the most disturbing places and thoughts and scenarios.  He does his best to call, to text, to be home, to have me go places with him, and honestly it was helping, I really felt in control, and ok up until about a week ago.  I can’t pinpoint a trigger, I can’t think of what made me go off again. I am trying so hard to not slip back into the despair and the black veil I was under before, but it is becoming harder and harder every minute. I want so badly to move on, to heal, to survive this whole fiasco, I really thought I was doing so well, I felt like we were getting better, and then out of no where BAM! I feel worse today than I did on Dday! why? why now? Why can’t I get a handle on all of my emotions and anxieties? I hate being this vulnerable, and this broken.  Sometimes I feel like I am just going to end up having a stroke or a heart attack b/c the anxiety is so bad again, and the panic attacks come on out of no where.  I am super emotional, feeling like crying at any given moment, and again, I can’t pin point the trigger. I mean I realize it stems from the betrayal, but why did my mind, head, heart, wait two months to react? Christ all he did was move out before and my whole self fell apart, this time my whole world fell apart, and yet I seemed to be able to pull myself together and do what needed to be done, to keep my self together, to not feel the pain and the hurt too badly, or so badly that I was incapacitated, and thats how I feel at any given moment again.  I think/feel like I have a little more control than I did a few months ago, but I feel myself slowly slipping back into it. What triggers this type of reaction two months later? Why was I able to keep such good spirits and control only to out of the blue get smashed with it all again? I cant stop thinking about it, about her, about what he did, how he betrayed me, wonder what they did together, make up crazy scenarios in my head, make up situations that I dont even know are true, I can’t help but think of how he betrayed my children, hurt them, and yet I protected them and lied for him so they wouldn’t know, so they would never know of the time and effort he put into HER children, children who aren’t even his, when he should have been with them! I keep wondering if he really called it off, or was forced to b/c they were caught. wondering if he will go back, if they will find a way to get back together, to talk, to touch. I wonder if there is unfinished feelings and business between them. I want an end to it all, I want proof that it is over, but will I really believe any “proof” I am given? I am vilie angry with her again, I have had crazy thoughts of retaliation (which is not me at all), thoughts of destroying her, making sure I can see the pain on her face that she helped to cause me.

Why now? Why when I really truly believed I was getting better, I was beginning to heal and possibly see the light at the end of the tunnel, when I thought that I was in control of my emotions again, why out of no where is this hitting me so hard?  I realize I need help, and I have been searching for help online, and hopefully I can start to see someone who can help me with some serious coping skills, I know what needs to be done, and I will certainly do all I need to, in order to get better, I have two children who rely on me, and I can’t fall into the abyss on them again.  But why now? It’s suppose to be getting better; isn’t it?

Until next time, I will remain a BeautifullyBrokenDisaster

Apologizing to a Narcissist

Published July 17, 2014 by beautifullybrokendisiaster

This is brilliant, and sadly I believe describing more of my life than I care to admit

Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

Apologizing 2 Narc

In a normal relationship, if one has made a mistake, it is typically followed up with an apology.  This usually leads to the other party forgiving you or at least acknowledging your heart-felt attempt at making amends.  Not so with a Narcissist.

When you apologize to a Narcissist, they feel like they have struck gold.  You are always wrong, anyway, so for you to admit a mistake is akin to boarding a train for a one-way guilt trip.  Instead of the situation being dealt with in a mature way, there are a few possible scenarios that will ensue following an apology to a Narcissist:

  1. Self-Righteousness:  This is the equivalent of being pointed at and ridiculed on the playground, with the goal being to make you feel like the biggest idiot in town.  See how wrong you were?  Isn’t it just a load off now that you can see how…

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What is wrong with me?

Published July 15, 2014 by beautifullybrokendisiaster

Well first off I am stupid enough to be asking that question! I mean I know that the professionals would tell me it has nothing to do with me, although HE likes to tell me its basically all my fault; “I own it, I did it; but it’s because you (fill in the blank of whatever he doesn’t like about me)”; way to f’n own it!  I feel fat, ugly, I feel like I’m bad in bed, I can’t fulfill his dreams and fantasy’s, and then to find out she’s fatter, uglier, and has a nasty reputation; well that should make me feel better? It doesn’t!

I am smart (normally), I am a hard worker, great Mom (debatable I suppose), I’m not awful looking, so what is wrong with me? I stay…….

Sometimes I think that is what is wrong with me! I mean how many things can be done to a person before they finally smarten up? Before they finally think about themselves, and their own sanity, and stop thinking “oh he just messed up, he really loves me, he didn’t mean to hurt me, he didn’t mean for this to happen”  Never in my life did I ever think I would end up being “that girl” the girl every shitty guy has that has an inkling of the dirt bag their other half is, but ignores the signs, ignores the whispers, even ignores the blatant truth being given to them by the “lovers husband” or the best friend of your “other”, I am better than that! I am stronger than that….I thought……………………………………..

I guess there are so many factors that I am not dealing well with, I should seriously seek help, but I am sadly still not ready.  I think it’s a part of denial, I mean I know it really happened, I was told by him for Christs sake, but I can’t deal with it, so I push it aside, and then it comes back and smashes me in the face when I least expect it, emotions so strong they could knock over a 100 story building.  I ponder things like “Would it have been better if it was a one night stand?”, if it were “some random girl”, if he didn’t lie through his teeth!  I wonder if he wasn’t caught if he would still be with her behind my back, he swears he left her a few nights prior, but that is awfully convenient.  What was his intention with her? a fling? I mean they said “I Love You” to each other, was that to make them f$%#*g in the back seat of his truck more “meaningful” and less sleazy?  I hate riding in his car, it make me cringe, it makes me want to cry, and scream, and rip the upholstery  apart, but I don’t.

Ironically his coping mechanism when I get upset, is to be mean and cruel and narcissistic, so why the hell am I still here? again, What is wrong with me!?!  Telling me I am no good, I am awful, He’s going to call her or text her, I mean seriously? I write this and wonder what went wrong in my brain! After he has calmed down he apologizes and “takes it back” how on earth do you take it back? You don’t!  As if I haven’t been hurt enough, now I am dealing with his crazy psychological issues that he “doesn’t have”.  So on top of being cheated on, now I am dealing with the psychological abuse, I enable him, and allow him to do this to me!

I have never had so many crazy emotions all at the same time, and have never been so confused and sad about anything in my life. I was journaling, but that has gone along the wayside the past few weeks, I probably would be better off starting that again, to at least get some thoughts off my shoulders.  I still haven’t told my best friend, in fact I have become such a hermit, I don’t do anything but work and go to the gym, or to some family thing here or there. I am embarrassed by my life, I am sad ans horrified that I have allowed this to happen to me, and that I don’t seem to have the tools to stop it.

I want him to be better, I want him to want only me, so what, I have to change, be everything he tells me I wasn’t being, and he doesn’t have to do a damn thing?  He gets to have all my attention, have me become a vixen in bed; isn’t that what will keep him interested in me? (sarcasm; sorta), I have to get skinny, and toned, I have to, I have to, I have to!  I have to learn to stop doing these things, to learn to not feel like it is my fault, stop feeling like I should have to stand on my damn head in order to keep him interested and to keep him “loving” me.  I know better than this, I was taught better than this!  What is wrong with me??!!!

Till next time, I will remain a  BeautifullyBrokenDisaster