So for the past few days, I feel like I am reverting back to my original stress, and anxiety. In the beginning I was pretty bad off, ironically that’s before I even got confirmation of the affair. I had suspicions, I found conversations that were innocent enough, yet enough to make me anxious and feel as if my husband had overstepped the boundaries. He swore nothing happened, and I believed that nothing happened, but I still felt like he completely disrespected our marriage, and I was ready for him to have to have some time away, I was done worrying and feeling like he was seeking other woman. He moved out of the house on and off for about 7 weeks. In the time he was out of the house, he spent most days after work at our house, attended family events together, celebrated my birthday with me and friends, stayed the night on several occasions. Telling me often that he wanted to work things out, that he loved me, that he was not talking to HER, or anyone else. I see now that he was 1. seeking another relationship 2. told himself that we were really over and that he didn’t want to be in this marriage; yet didn’t have the balls to cut me free and actually be done with the relationship. But I digress………
At the time I was naive enough to believe he was just having a rough time, that WE were going through a rough patch, he had several personal tragedies, and I thought they were just making him re evaluate his life and where we were. During those weeks, I quit a job I had for over 6 years b/c he constantly was telling me that the job had to do with our moving apart, that I allowed the job to become too much of my life, and while it was very much true, I just thought I was doing my best, to make a good paycheck and contribute. I took another position in hopes that it would prove that I was willing to do almost anything to save my marriage, it presented itself at what I thought was just the right time. I gave my two week notice and was immediately let go, I had two weeks off to myself, in which I literally stayed in bed, couldn’t move, couldn’t eat, could barely breathe. I was experiencing anxiety and panic attacks like I have only read about, I couldn’t function, I was so down and out, so depressed, so sad and so lonely, and afraid. I was barely functioning enough to care for my kids, who fortunately are old enough to want to be left alone. There were many ups and downs during that time, I cried a lot, my heart raced out of my chest a lot, and my head pounded a lot. He would come to the house, give me a little assurance that he loved me, wanted me better, wanted to be a family again, blah blah blah. I would hyperventilate during the panic attacks, I was a complete mess! One night, he came home; and stayed home. It was like a weight was lifted, the doom veil lifted off of my chest, off of my heart and my head, things were back to normal, I was able to eat and breathe again. I am not normally that pathetic of a human being, I am not normally someone (or so I thought) that was so reliant on someone else. I can’t remember the last time I was so happy with him, I finally appreciated him, understood that I too played my part in this marriage failure, I took responsibility, I tried to make changes, pay attention where I didn’t before, text throughout the day, call, little gestures so he realizes that I really loved him, that I knew I took part in us falling apart. he seemed to be doing the same, he was home more often, he was attentive to me, and even the kids. I made sure to lay off when he was going out, I didn’t give him trouble when he was out a couple nights a week, b/c thats what the old me would do, and I didn’t want to be that nag.(dumb ass that I am!!)
I was feeling so much better, I was living again, I can’t begin o explain to you the blackness that was upon me in those weeks, and it was lifted, and life was going to work out for once. Once in a while I would get these feelings, these urges to follow him where he said he would be, but i didn’t b/c he didn’t deserve that, I was just being a little crazy. Then there was a gift box found, and it was not a gift he had given to me, and then I got a bit suspicious again, always with my guard up, but not so much that I would make him think I was crazy and want to run away again ( I mean I was literally unbalanced just a month before, I was afraid these feelings were stemming off of that.) Anyway then I got the fateful message from HER fiance, oddly I was not thrown back into the abyss, oddly I felt ok, felt in control, I was not going back into the despair that I had just scratched my way out of.
Anyway all of that back story to get to this…….. I am starting to have massive anxiety again, feelings that he is up to no good, panic attacks have started again, my mind goes off and wonders into the most disturbing places and thoughts and scenarios. He does his best to call, to text, to be home, to have me go places with him, and honestly it was helping, I really felt in control, and ok up until about a week ago. I can’t pinpoint a trigger, I can’t think of what made me go off again. I am trying so hard to not slip back into the despair and the black veil I was under before, but it is becoming harder and harder every minute. I want so badly to move on, to heal, to survive this whole fiasco, I really thought I was doing so well, I felt like we were getting better, and then out of no where BAM! I feel worse today than I did on Dday! why? why now? Why can’t I get a handle on all of my emotions and anxieties? I hate being this vulnerable, and this broken. Sometimes I feel like I am just going to end up having a stroke or a heart attack b/c the anxiety is so bad again, and the panic attacks come on out of no where. I am super emotional, feeling like crying at any given moment, and again, I can’t pin point the trigger. I mean I realize it stems from the betrayal, but why did my mind, head, heart, wait two months to react? Christ all he did was move out before and my whole self fell apart, this time my whole world fell apart, and yet I seemed to be able to pull myself together and do what needed to be done, to keep my self together, to not feel the pain and the hurt too badly, or so badly that I was incapacitated, and thats how I feel at any given moment again. I think/feel like I have a little more control than I did a few months ago, but I feel myself slowly slipping back into it. What triggers this type of reaction two months later? Why was I able to keep such good spirits and control only to out of the blue get smashed with it all again? I cant stop thinking about it, about her, about what he did, how he betrayed me, wonder what they did together, make up crazy scenarios in my head, make up situations that I dont even know are true, I can’t help but think of how he betrayed my children, hurt them, and yet I protected them and lied for him so they wouldn’t know, so they would never know of the time and effort he put into HER children, children who aren’t even his, when he should have been with them! I keep wondering if he really called it off, or was forced to b/c they were caught. wondering if he will go back, if they will find a way to get back together, to talk, to touch. I wonder if there is unfinished feelings and business between them. I want an end to it all, I want proof that it is over, but will I really believe any “proof” I am given? I am vilie angry with her again, I have had crazy thoughts of retaliation (which is not me at all), thoughts of destroying her, making sure I can see the pain on her face that she helped to cause me.
Why now? Why when I really truly believed I was getting better, I was beginning to heal and possibly see the light at the end of the tunnel, when I thought that I was in control of my emotions again, why out of no where is this hitting me so hard? I realize I need help, and I have been searching for help online, and hopefully I can start to see someone who can help me with some serious coping skills, I know what needs to be done, and I will certainly do all I need to, in order to get better, I have two children who rely on me, and I can’t fall into the abyss on them again. But why now? It’s suppose to be getting better; isn’t it?
Until next time, I will remain a BeautifullyBrokenDisaster